I think you will all agree that we are having a great evening…so it’s a shame that I am going to spoil it for you by making a speech. I’ve never made a speech before, and I can tell you that I’m never going to make another one.

J’s brother B was meant to do the job, but his grandson is getting BarMitzvah in the states, so I’m the stand in. J thought by asking me to do the job she would cut her alcohol bill by half because I wouldn’t be able to get drunk before I made the speech! She told me last week that my speech shouldn’t be too long. I told her not to worry, it wasn’t…I hadn’t even started it yet. I think that she was really fishing to see if I was going to put in some compliments and I told her I’d still got a week to think of some.

It’s a great honour to be making this speech to my friend J. It’s taken a lot of persuasion to get her to call me “her friend of longest standing” and not her oldest friend. We met at Clarks College on a net ball pitch when we were both 13. I should think that that was the last time either of us did any exercise. I remember I asked her where she got her tan. It turned out that both of us had just come back from the South of France in hotels next to one another. She was much browner than I was, and her hotel was better than mine too. And despite that we have remained good friends ever since.

J loved to dance and we always went out clubbing together, but our A was the Coronet Club, and other becky nights out. We also went on a lot of holidays together, to Spain, Majorca and Italy. While we were in Spain, we went out for an ice cream and discovered Puerto Banos long before the rich and famous found it.

We share the same warped sense of humour and used to end up doubled up in laughter, usually at the expense of other people. We used to give all the other people in the hotel nicknames, and people would wonder why we were laughing at them. We enjoy taking the Mickey out of one another too. Our own nicknames were J and J, a bit like B and B, but we never did smoke any weed! Mind you I remember once we were getting ready to go down to dinner and as usual I was hesitant about what to wear. I asked my fashion guru for her opinion, and as we got into the lift the maid burst into laughter …I was wearing one white shoe and one black one.

I still don’t know how she did it, but whenever we came back from holiday, she would weigh the same as before and I would always be half a stone heavier. Was I jealous…you bet your life I was. She has always taken a great deal of care with her appearance, and she has wonderful hair. While we were on holiday in Bournemouth we both had our hair done at the hairdressers. When we came out, one of the people at the hotel said that Jennifer’s hair looked great. Then he asked me why I hadn’t had mine done too. Well, hers is thick and a rich dark brown, and mine, well it’s fine and mousy. (She could give some of hers to both A and J and still have lots spare)

Although we might go for quite a while without seeing one another now, we can pick up the phone after months and pick up where we left off. Now that we have come of age we can resume our love of holidays and try to recoup our youth. Only this time it might be Saga holidays!

One of the reasons we never fell out was that we never went for the same type of feller. She got married a year before I did, and we were no teenagers when we finally took the plunge. I don’t know how many of you know what J’s maiden name was…it was class…no, I meant that was her surname, Class. Well she may not have been top of her class at school but after she left she became a first class secretary to the manager of the Mount Royal Hotel. I can’t remember her being that artistic either but now she is A’s personnel officer and PR for his video business. She’s also his editor and manages to edit his videos without be’eading anyone.

She and A are very well suited and although they take the mickey out of each other all the time they are 100% for one another. They make the perfect team, except of course on holiday. She’s a sun worshipper and Anthony spends the whole time in the shade. Her second love is entertaining, which is just as well as she has a wide circle of friends. She also adores Pepper, her Cocker Spaniel. He’s just like her baby but a lot less trouble.

J is a loyal friend with good judgement, and she would always be there to do you a good turn. Whatever you ask her she would always be willing to do it. She is reliable, trustworthy and a great big barrel of laughs.

J, You can now use the bus to get into town for free, and you can get off every time you spot something you like in every shop window. We can go to afternoon cinema at a cheap rate. Your prescriptions are all free, and men and young boys will get up and give you their seats in the train. And that’s when you know you’ve got to that certain age. Take it from one who has already had six months experience.

Ladies and gentlemen, please charge your glasses and be upstanding and drink a toast to our birthday girl…J.